


Help Me to Feel Human Again

by Pupmon1



Series: The Dragon's Retainers [15]
Category: Fire Emblem: If | Fire Emblem: Fates
Genre: Caretaking, F/F, Multi, Numb Emotions, Scars, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-31
Updated: 2017-12-31
Packaged: 2019-02-24 10:05:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,735
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13211475
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pupmon1/pseuds/Pupmon1
Summary: The numbness has returned...and Beruka does all she can think of to send it away again.





	Help Me to Feel Human Again

**Author's Note:**

> Encase you didn't read the tags, this does have self-harm in it, and caring for the harmed. If that makes you swiggly, skip this one.

Beruka stumbled back from the dummy as the wooden shield cracked. She was alone on the training field, and she was happy for that. It was strange for one to train without weapons, without armor, and she didn’t need to get stared at by some knight...not right now.

Beruka shook out a cramp in her fist before steading into a firm stance. She flexed her hand, making sure it could still curl into a fist, then she started again. Bare fists met timber as she punched at the shield with the strength she would put behind an axe swing. There was no mercy in her body, not for anything.

She was trained to never hold back...maybe that was what’s wrong with her. She had come out here, in the dim cold dusk, wearing nothing but her cloth armor. She thought the cold wind would cast away the numb nothingness she felt. She had grown accustomed to the embers of warmth in her chest, lingering from the feeling she got with Camilla and Selena. But it had disappeared, leaving the old numbness.

She wanted to feel something, she thought the stinging cold would help. It didn’t. And now she was here, slamming her fists into wood to try and feel. But as the shield shattered, and Beruka’s own momentum sent her to the ground, she still felt nothing...

She laid on her side limply. Carefully flexing her fists, she could feel the strain in her muscles, her fingers showing the stiffness of cramps. Her knuckles were bleeding and raw, welts and scratches from shards of wood. But still, she felt nothing. There was no pain, just a dim stiffness.

Beruka shivered as she forced herself to sit up. She stared down at her hands, her fingers twitching. She needed to feel something. Her hand wandered down to the knife hung on her side. Cold wind whipped around her, agitating her stiff muscles. Her hands were shaking. She forced them to stop.

She pressed the sharp blade against her palm and took a breath, curling her stiff fingers to keep the blade steady. She tightened her grip on the handle and moved very slowly. Barely a centimeter down, and she could feel the blade cutting into her skin. Still...no pain. She pressed in more as she moved slowly, deepening the cut with each move.

Then she felt a presence behind her, and she curled up, hiding the knife. She hoped if she remained still and quiet, whatever knight had wandered out would wander away.

She wasn’t that lucky. Or maybe she was more lucky...she recognized the voice that called out to her.

“Beruka? What are you doing out here?”

Of course Selena would show up now.

Beruka didn’t respond.

“Beruka? What are... okay, first off, why the hells are you out here at night like that, it's freezing! Second, you’re bleeding. I need to get you to Elise...”

“I don’t hurt…” Beruka muttered. She held her hand close to her chest, not moving the blade again. “...doesn’t hurt...it’s fine…”

“...oh my gods.” Selena snatched the blade out of Beruka’s hand. “Beruka, you...you idiot! Why in the name of anything would you do that?! Just...tell us or something, this is not the way to do...well, anything!” Selena was aware that she was bad at this, but she tried her best. She had to calm Beruka down, or something...she knew that Beruka was hurting herself, and that wasn’t okay.

Beruka closed her eyes, clenching her fist. Blood leaked out of her hand...she didn’t care. “I wanted to feel…”

Selena frowned and cast the dagger aside, scooping Beruka into her arms. She held the smaller girl close to her. “Beruka...you don’t need that to feel. Come on...let’s go to Camilla.”

“...she’ll be mad…” Beruka mumbled, clinging to Selena as she started inside. Her palm was staining Selena’s shoulder.

“Is that shame?” Selena teased as she rubbed Beruka’s back. Beruka just grunted.

Selena held her partner close, ignorning the blood staining her nightgown. Beruka hadn’t hurt herself to the point of being in danger. She needed Camilla and Selena, more than she needed a healing staff.

She carried her to Camilla’s room, pushing the door open with her foot...Camilla never managed to actually close the door when she wasn’t in. She seemed to invite theives, or at least not care. Then again...given Beruka, it’s likely the former.

Selena set Beruka on the bed and started digging through Camilla’s desk, pulling out a roll of bandages.

“Those are yours…” Beruka mumbled.

Selena shook her head as she took Beruka’s hands. “Nope. They’re for caring for Camilla’s lovers. And she loves you.”

Beruka frowned as Selena started to bandage her hands. The cloth was soft...too soft for her. “...I don’t deserve this…”

“Is that shame?” Selena teased before leaning in and kissing Beruka’s nose. “You deserve everything, Beruka,” she cooed gently.

Beruka squirmed slightly...then watched Selena secure the bandages, covering the large cut on her palm, and the blisters on her knuckles. Her shoulders dropped and she took Selena’s hands in hers.

“...help me feel…” she mumbled softly. “...I don’t feel human…”

Selena squeezed Beruka’s hands. “Then relax, dear.”

Beruka squirmed for a moment, then she leaned in and kissed Selena. It was awkward and harsh, but timid. Selena leaned smiled against Beruka’s lips and leaned into it.

Though, Beruka didn’t allow the kiss to linger. She pulled away and pressed her face into Selena’s shoulder. “...everything is so cold...I can’t…”

Selena paused for a moment before pulling away. “Beruka...do you trust me?”

“Yes,” the answer was almost immidate.

Selena smiled and tugged up her nightgown, pulling it off and casting it to the side. Beruka was clearly confused, but she allowed Selena to turn her around. She felt the string holding her underarmor on loosen, and her body tensed.

Selena stopped, her hands on Beruka’s shoulders. “Are you okay?” she asked softly.

“...are you going to…” Beruka trailed off.

“No,” Selena replied. “I had an old friend back home...and we found that when she felt inhuman, skin contact helped.” Selena’s hands slowly trailed down, peeling Beruka’s cloth armor off.

Beruka found her warm hands sent shivers down her spine. It felt nice and relaxing. The tension in her muscles started to disappear. She always thought that she wouldn’t feel safe without her armor, and yet, as Selena cast aside the garment, Beruka felt completely safe.

Selena’s arms wrapped around Beruka, squeezing her around the middle gently.

“How do you feel, Beruka?” she asked softly. Her warm breath tickled Beruka’s ear, and her strong arms squeezed her boxy form gently.

“...safe…” Beruka mumbled softly.

Selena smiled and gently kissed Beruka’s shoulder. “Not numb?”

“...somewhat...but...I’m safe…” Beruka leaned into Selena’s hold.

There was skin against skin...and it felt...calming. This was another human being. A human being with warmth. Her fingers were twitching, but that wasn’t the interesting thing. The interesting thing was Selena’s skin. It wasn’t smooth, she could feel the scars that marred her stomach as she pressed against her back.

Beruka squirmed, and Selena instantly recoiled. Beruka’s shoulders dropped, and she turned, inching around to face Selena. Her body was covered in scars...she had seen them before, but something was different now.

She reached out and touched Selena. Her fingers trembled as her hand touched Selena’s side. She felt the scars from old battles under her finger tips as she moved. Straight marks from slashing swords and hacking axes, peircing wounds from stabbing spears, and webbings of burns.

She had seen them before. Many times actually. But it was different to actually touch them...to feel those that represented deeper strikes...she could almost see Selena getting cocky and getting struck...or rolling into a fireball.

Her hand trailed up and touched the biggest of the scars, the stab wound emblazoned on her shoulder. This is the one wound Beruka couldn’t guess. Selena wouldn’t just take a stab like that, and yet here’s the proof that she did at some point.

She rubbed the scar with her thumb, then felt that Selena was tense. She pulled away and looked up at her.

“...sorry…”

Selena shook her head and gently placed her hands on Beruka’s shoulders. “No...it’s okay. Do what you want. I’m fine.”

Beruka inched forward and cuddled into Selena’s grasp. Her body was warm, she could feel Selena’s breathing, and hear her heart beat as she rested her head on her soft chest. Selena smiled and wrapped her arms around her partner.

Beruka shifted positions and took one of Selena’s hands. She trailed it down to a spot on her hip, and Selena’s hand wiggled under her boxers. She paused when she felt a harsh scar and looked down at Beruka.

Beruka simply pulled off her head band and nuzzled into Selena’s shoulder. There was silence, Selena didn’t even speak, or question. She just started gently rubbing the mark.

Beruka sighed contently and closed her eyes. This felt nice...warm and comfy. She could just...enjoy. The warmth began to return, and it was so nice. Beruka could just close her eyes and drift off.

* * *

Beruka awoke with a hand on her head. She was laid out on the bed, her head still resting in Selena’s lap...there were two people talking. Selena and Camilla...the retainer explaining what had happened.

“...Camilla…?” she mumbled tiredly, slowly opening her eyes.

“Hello, little Beruka,” her lady cooed softly, her hand trailing down to pat her cheek before going back to her head. “Feeling better?”

Beruka nodded and smiled a little. “...yeah…”

“Good,” Selena cooed softly. Her hand was still resting on Beruka’s scar. “Next time...come to us when you feel like that, okay? No more knife.”

Beruka squirmed a little and looked up at the red head. “...okay...if we...can do this more…”

Selena smiled and nodded. “I’d never deny you cuddles.”

Camilla was sitting on the floor, right by the bed. She smiled at Beruka and wormed closer. “Of course dear,” she said firmly. “We aren’t going to just let you feel horrible like that.”

“...I didn’t feel…” Beruka countered as Camilla kissed her forehead. She smiled as her lady chuckled.

“Silly Beruka...you know what I meant.”

“I know...I like hearing you laugh…”


End file.
